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On Saturday, October 13, on the front page of the “Life Styles” section of the Modesto Bee, Reconciling God's Way Directors Joe and Michelle Williams were featured!  

Marriage of 3

Joe and Michelle Williams are the directors of Reconciling God's Way ministry at Shelter Cove Community Church in Modesto. They have a new book called Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved that just came out. Their ministry came out of their own history and they have reached tens of thousands of people through their own program and workbook. Modesto Bee/ Joan Barnett Lee
Modesto Bee

By SUE NOWICKI
snowicki@modbee.com 

 

In ministry and new book, Modestans stress God's role in saving couples in crisis

Several years ago, Joe and Michelle Williams were asked to present information about their organization, Reconciling God's Way, at a national event called the Smart Marriage Conference. They were paired with a couple who taught at Pepperdine University and who sent the Williamses a curriculum vitae (a fancy word for résumé) that showed they had three PhDs between them.

Joe looked at Michelle and said, "E-mail them back that we each have three P.H.D.s -- Previous History of Divorce."

Michelle sent the message, the other couple was delighted, and together they had a terrific program on marriage.

Joe and Michelle began their Reconciling ministry in 1990, incorporating in 1999, to help couples in crisis marriages. Churches often offer divorce-care programs but rarely have a program to help couples who might be able to reconcile if given the right tools.

The ministry, they say, was the result of resolving their own marital difficulties.

They self-published a workbook and videos of their course, which has been used by churches and individuals across the United States and beyond, such as in Africa. In September, Focus on the Family released the Williamses' first book, "Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved: 12 Truths for Restoring Your Relationship." They will be at Beardsley's Book & Bible next weekend to sign copies of the book.

Joe and Michelle say part of the popularity of their work -- they've sent off 20,000 units of their material since 1997 -- comes from the fact that they are lay people. Most of the books on the shelves, they say, are from pastors and counselors. Joe and Michelle are ordinary people who deeply understand the problems that lead to conflict and separation in marriage.

"Michelle was my fourth wife," Joe said. "None of the other marriages made it, and ours was in trouble because of the baggage we brought in.

"I had moved from Santa Maria to Modesto as I was going through the finalization of a divorce. I made up my mind that I wouldn't get married again, especially to someone with kids."

Michelle also moved to Modesto, but with a different agenda.

"Joe was my fourth husband, too," she said. "I had three daughters -- each had different dads -- and I had just moved back to Modesto from Alaska from another failed marriage. I was 34. Basically, I was in the frame of mind that I got my significance from a relationship, so I was looking for another man. I didn't wait at all."

The two -- who weren't Christians at the time -- were married in 1982. The relationship was rocky almost from the outset and included a months long separation. By 1987, shortly after their son was born, they separated again. Michelle's rages and Joe's angry outbursts, fueled by alcohol, made each of them feel unsafe. Their split lasted two years.

"We were told that as long as we were both going to church and both praying and both Christians, that our marriage would be saved. But that's not true. It takes much more to save a marriage," Michelle said.

The problem, Joe said, was that "our focus was on each other instead of God. Michelle was my little god. But you have to get focused on the God who can really handle things. I wear two wedding rings on my finger to remind me that I'm married to God first, and then to my wife. You seek first his kingdom. Michelle likes it that way."

For Michelle, "I would say the major issue was that I didn't know how to communicate my frustrations to Joe. I would tend to stuff things, and Joe did, too.

"We recommend in our classes that each person deal with their own issues first. One of the first things we have them do is make a list of things they like to do alone that are not immoral, illegal or expensive. We find that a lot of people in a crisis marriage are worn out, either trying to keep their spouses happy or stuffing things down. Someone who feels good with who they are and has a good relationship with God becomes very attractive to a spouse."

Joe added, "The people we work with usually have the issue I call she-he. 'She does this and he does that.' The husbands work and provide and provide and then divide because their focus is their wife -- they want their wife to be happy, and they don't focus on God. If they focus on God, the happiness will be a byproduct.

"I give them tools so they can be attractive to their wife in the right way. I try to get them into a Bible study with other men and start looking into the word. The first thing it will do is give them balance. They will start meeting their wives' emotional needs, not naturally, but supernaturally. The men's thought is what's going to make the wife happy is to give her things and buy her things. What changes is that they start meeting the emotional needs that their wife wants and needs, to bring peace back into the home."

The other big issue, communication, also has to be addressed.

"One time, Joe was trying to get me to remember a restaurant that we had gone to," Michelle said. "I said I didn't remember it. He kept saying, 'Yes you do,' and went on describing it. Finally, just to keep the peace, I said, 'Oh, yeah, I remember it.' Then, a minute later, I asked, 'Did I like it?' He said, 'I knew you didn't remember it!' Even today, it's a joke. I'll say, 'Did I like it,' and we'll start laughing.

"But that's what I had to learn: That little white lie sets up a situation where I begin to close down who I really am to Joe, just to keep the peace or keep Joe from getting irritated. One author calls it 'polite pretending.' And polite pretending can destroy marriages."

Joe and Michelle said that after they reconciled, their pastor asked them to help other couples with troubled marriages.

"Back in 1990, if you had divorce or separation in your background, you weren't allowed to speak (in churches)," Michelle said. "It was very unusual to have a pastor ask you to speak.

"Joe and I both believe that's one reason that divorces are so rampant among churches, because clergy and churches have been so insistent that people with divorce in their past cannot ever serve or teach in a church. That shift is beginning to change, and we're so glad that Focus on the Family has taken a chance with us and published our book."

The book includes stories of Joe and Michelle as well as other couples, some with restored marriages and some who divorced.

"The biggest thing I want people to know is that even if their spouse is unwilling to work on the marriage, they can take the tools we use and totally change their marriage, because it changes the dynamics in the home," Michelle said.

That's why they're jazzed by the publication of the book. They're already getting feedback from it.

"We're getting calls from all over the country," Joe said. "I got a call from a gal at the United Nations, someone working there who needed help."

Added Michelle, "One pastor wants us to go to Italy, because marriages are really in crisis there. He wants to help us set up international ministries. We just want to help people."

Bee staff writer Sue Nowicki can be reached at snowicki@modbee.com or 578-2012.

http://www.modbee.com/life/faithvalues/story/92170.html